


Confessions of a Doctor in Love

by sunny_flower_sam



Series: Confessions Of [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Writing, Confusion, Derek Morgan is a good friend, Derek being OOC and actually helpful and a good friend, F/M, Fluff, He rly said Maeve? Idk her, Hurt/Comfort, I don't like Maeve but that's a story for another time, I was just excited to post, Kissing, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Maeve Donovan - Freeform, Mans fell hard and fast ngl, One (1) wholesome Christian smooch, Previously unrequited love is now requited, Reader is just tryna mend her broken heart in peace, Spencer is a great kisser you can't convince me otherwise, Spencer is bad at feelings, Spencer is doing his best okay, Wanted to make her out to be a bad person, admitting feelings, author cant write kiss scenes, but it's bad karma to speak ill of the dead so, dont even ask for smut, reader smokes, sorry - Freeform, the ending is so awkward im sorry, until it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 06:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30067782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunny_flower_sam/pseuds/sunny_flower_sam
Summary: “I was never really insane except on occasions where my heart was touched.”Two months, four days, and thirteen hours have passed since Y/N turned Dr Spencer Reid's life upside down.Two months, four days, and thirteen hours have passed since Y/N confessed to a deranged unsub that she was in love with the young genius himself.And not even an hour later, she had stood outside under an overcast sky with him and told him that he was loveable.ORSpencer Reid is spiralling, Derek Morgan is surprisingly helpful, and Y/N is too busy nursing a broken heart to have any clue of what's going on.
Relationships: Past Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid - Relationship, Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader
Series: Confessions Of [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2212086
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Confessions of a Doctor in Love

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think the quote in the blurb fits the story right but i couldn't find one i liked more so here we are.  
> this is rly bad writing, my b x

Two months, four days, and thirteen hours had passed since Y/N turned Dr Spencer Reid’s life upside down.

Two months, four days, and thirteen hours had passed since Y/N had confessed to a deranged unsub that she was in love with the young genius himself.

And not even an hour later, she had stood outside under an overcast sky with him and told him that he was _loveable_.

Spencer had always been awkward and fidgety, but ever since Y/N’s confession he never knew where to put his hands. His palms were always sweaty, his once-soft cardigans now vaguely itchy, and he could never get his hair to fall quite right. The doctor was sure he was going mad.

And through it all, Y/N hadn’t treated him any differently to how she did beforehand. She still ruffled his hair playfully, still asked him genuine questions about whatever book he was reading, still joined the rest of the team in poking fun at him.

The team. Spencer was sure they would’ve said something by now, but apparently he was the only one blindsided and therefore feeling the tension. After the ordeal in Florida, they all gave him the same sort of pitying, unsurprised look but didn’t comment on what had unfolded.

And they had talked about it. Y/N had told him she wasn’t upset at him, and she hadn’t been lying. He knew she hadn’t been lying, because he knew her left eye twitched ever so slightly when she fibbed. So that should have been the end of that. Spencer wanted to blame the fact that he couldn’t let it go on his eidetic memory, but he knew that was only brushing the surface.

He had told her he didn’t want to lose her friendship and he’d meant it, but everything was different now. Everything had a new, foreign undertone that Spencer now recognised as _yearning_. Y/N’s yearning, to be specific.

Y/N’s love for him was obvious in everything she did, and he only realised when he knew what to look for. Without fail, she always poured him a cup of coffee when she got up to pour her own. She knew to add no more and no less than seven teaspoons of sugar. She had never made fun of him for it, only gently chastised him when he complained about a migraine and muttered about needing caffeine in the same sentence once.

She always played the classical music he liked when he was in her car, even though she had once told him she only really listened to alternative and pop genres. She was always the first to explain jokes he didn’t understand. She always blushed whenever they went out to dinner with the team and Spencer was forced to struggle with chopsticks. He hadn’t been able to stop profiling her since that day in the interrogation room, and now he could never forget that she found it _endearing_ when he clumsily lifted the chopsticks to his mouth and only succeeded in taking a small bite of chicken before the rest of the food fell from the utensils.

He also knew, as much as he wished he didn’t, the way her eyes focused on his mouth while he ate, and the way they darkened with want. Sometimes, she would zone out for minutes on end before she’d shake her head, as if to physically shake off whatever images her mind had been conjuring.

And Spencer tried with all his might not to wonder what those images might be.

He tried to rationalise these new feelings to himself. It was only natural that his curiosity was peaked at the newfound information presented to him. He had Y/N’s heart. She had literally admitted as much to him, unashamed and not in the least bit scared of the consequences. Spencer told himself that it was only admiration at her bravery that made him think about her words so often. She had said so many achingly _good_ things about him, and all he could come up with was “I’m flattered” and “you’re a good friend”. So much for an IQ of 187.

Now all the doctor could notice was how the agent always worked with him through lunch breaks, usually only stopping to ask JJ to pick her up a sandwich when she went to the cafeteria. She always saved his favourite seat for him on the jet, curling in on herself so he could have enough space to stretch out his long limbs. And his least favourite of all these startling revelations, was how she never failed to find a way to put herself between Spencer and imminent danger. Wherever he moved in a room, she moved with him to ensure that she was always in a protective stance. He could tell that she herself didn’t even realise she did it.

And this behaviour wasn’t _new_. Spencer had combed back through his memories and was shocked to find that she had been doing these things all along. How had he never noticed? He supposed that, because she had always done it, he hadn’t seen it as odd or out of the ordinary for her. Or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see what was right in front of him because then that would lead to… well, this. Whatever this crisis he was going through could be called.

Agent Y/N Y/L/N loved Dr Spencer Reid quietly and fiercely and nothing short of selflessly and had done so for over four and a half years. The sheer weight of that knowledge was almost too heavy to carry around with him. There wasn’t a moment he didn’t think about it. It distracted him from his work and recreational learning, and though his performance on cases wasn’t obviously affected, he knew he would run out of steam eventually. It felt like the gears were constantly turning in his head, and he couldn’t go on like this.

He decided that as much as he hated to admit it, there really was only one person he could go to with a problem like this.

“Derek,” He started cautiously, fiddling with his seatbelt.

Spencer and Derek were currently making their way back from a local police station to the hotel they were staying at while on a case in a small town in North Carolina. Spencer sat in the passenger seat while Derek drove, one hand on the wheel and the other adjusting the radio controls.

“Yeah, Reid?” His friend looked over at him briefly to show him he was listening before turning his attention back on the stretch of road in front of them.

“Did you… know?” He asked awkwardly, unable to look anywhere but at his own hands.

Derek didn’t even need elaboration, and part of Spencer wished that weren’t the case because it told him his answer immediately.

“I found Y/N crying once. In the storeroom. It was just after… Maeve. She was holding your purple scarf to her chest and just _sobbing_. But she was so quiet about it. I’ve never seen someone be so controlled while also so clearly hurting.”

When Spencer didn’t reply, he continued carefully, “I pretended I didn’t see her. Sometimes I wonder if that was the right choice. But I think her love is a very private thing. It couldn’t have been easy for her to announce it in front of everyone the way she was forced to.”

Spencer’s brain was whirring with all the implications of Derek’s confession, but he couldn’t seem to find any words for his thoughts. He just nodded dumbly.

“Once I knew what I was looking for, I felt like a shitty profiler for not seeing it sooner. It’s so obvious, man. In everything she does. Her posture shifts as soon as you’re in the room, whether she sees you or not. It’s actually kind of freaky.”

Derek’s words only made the whirring worse, but Spencer cleared his throat and licked at his chapped lips, trying to come up with a reply.

“I don’t know –,” He began, then paused before restarting his sentence, “I don’t know what to do.”

And that simple admission, that first step was the hardest one to take. He was the resident genius, he _always_ knew what to do, that was his whole reason for being.

“You don’t love her,” Derek noted solemnly, “Or, at least, she’s not Maeve.”

And there it was. The real issue. Two and a half years later, and Maeve was still haunting him. The truth about her was something he could never admit, not even to himself. The truth was that Spencer _knew_ , logically, that he hadn’t loved her. He had been interested, sure. Definitely infatuated, and he had no doubt that he would have grown to love her, if given the chance. But she had died because of his perceived love anyway. And if someone he cared about even a little bit romantically could die because of his feelings, what would end up happening to someone he wholly and completely loved?

“She’s not Maeve,” Spencer agreed, because he was at least sure that that statement was true.

“Listen, man,” Derek put the car into park outside the precinct and turned to him, shooting him an uncharacteristically serious look, “I’m going to level with you, because no one else will. Before Maeve, you had a crush on Y/N. Don’t even try to stutter your way out of it because it’s true. “

Spencer stopped himself from making a snarky retort and nodded for his friend to continue. He could admit that he _had_ admired her, although he himself thought it to be more of a hero worship thing than anything romantic.

“And then Maeve gave you attention. Y/N’s love was so quiet that you didn’t even realise it was there, and so you tried to find it somewhere else.”

The younger man opened his mouth indignantly, probably to insist that he had done no such thing, but the agent pointed a finger to silence him.

That’s not to say that Maeve wasn’t important or attracted you in her own way,” Derek added, “But all of these things can be true at once.”

“And after Maeve,” He continued, on a roll now in confronting the best friend he had watched struggling for too long, “You withdrew. You self-sabotaged. You didn’t let yourself see anyone else in that light, because you were too busy punishing yourself for her death. Which wasn’t your fault, by the way. Not that you’ll listen to me.”

Spencer scowled once again but took the time to consider Derek’s words. The logical part of his brain knew that nothing his friend had said was incorrect, but the self-loathing evil voice in the back of his mind, the same one that sometimes whispered about how he should give in and chase that cursed high again, also told him that he didn’t deserve the kind of happiness that could come with finally letting go of Maeve and putting her memory to rest.

Derek clapped him on the shoulder, “I love you, man. Whatever decision you make here, that doesn’t change.”

Despite the war in his head, Spencer gave his friend a small smile, “Thanks… I really do appreciate it.”

The bald man nodded in acknowledgement, and they made their way out of the car and into the police station without another word.

The BAU team wrapped up the case quickly after Spencer and Derek’s conversation, and Spencer spent the remainder of his time in North Carolina and on the jet home thinking about his friend’s words. The rest of the team could tell that he was preoccupied, and so they kept their distance. Even Y/N only smiled lightly at him before putting in her earphones and closing her eyes, leaning back on her chair. The smile was genuine, though, and Spencer tried to ignore the way something in his stomach fluttered at that deduction. He didn’t even have time to smile back before she had turned her attention elsewhere. Which really just brought home the fact that Y/N was used to her small gestures going unappreciated and unreciprocated. Spencer had never felt more like an asshole.

The resident genius decided to take his time to process and sort through all the thoughts in his head before speaking with Y/N. He knew a discussion had to take place at some point, but he wanted to get his emotions in order first so he could tell her and himself exactly what he wanted and mean it.

Spencer ended up mulling over his feelings for another month, finding himself watching Y/N even more closely than he had been previously. And in that month, he learnt more about her than he had in the almost half decade he’d known her.

She was the best at controlling her micro expressions out of the team, he noticed. Even better than Hotch. But, other than himself, her eyes always softened the most when she was talking to Rossi. It was obvious that he was like a grandfather figure to her, and Spencer wondered how he had never seen it before. Red wine and cheap menthol cigarettes were her main vices, although she never drank while on a case or in an unfamiliar environment. She had a habit of sticking her pens in her hair, either behind her ear or through her bun, and then forgetting where she’d put them. A few times he had had to fish one out for her, and each time she had shivered at his touch.

She always drove with her window down, no matter what temperature it was outside. Even if it meant letting hail in, she would still inch it down a crack. She rubbed the small freckle by her nose absentmindedly when she was concentrating and twisted the same curly lock of hair over and over when she wasn’t. She tripped over her own feet more often than not, and never seemed embarrassed. She would simply sit on the ground and laugh until she couldn’t breathe or pull whoever was next to her down with her.

Her humour was dark and often out of the blue, leaving him unable to reply or joke along as he wondered at her wit. Her favourite days were Wednesdays, because that was when Garcia would bring Dunkin’ Donuts into the office breakroom. Her favourite donuts were the ones with pink icing and chocolate sprinkles. She always halved her last one with Hotch, who was too busy working to be bothered with a donut break or eating in general. She was always looking out for the other team members in the quietest ways that made Spencer’s heart force its way to his throat. No amount of swallowing or drinking water could make the silly, traitorous organ go back down again.

Alex must have caught him choking on nothing one too many times in Y/N’s presence, but his friend said nothing about her suspicions, only winking at him from behind the woman’s shoulder when it was obvious just how _whipped_ (Morgan’s words) he had become for her in such a short amount of time. He knew he had to let her know how he was feeling, preferably sooner rather than later.

Spencer was always a planner, and so he waited for the perfect opportunity to come up naturally rather than trying to force a fake romantic scenario like Garcia originally advised him to do.

The opportunity presented itself exactly a month and three days after his conversation in the car with Derek. The team had gotten back to Quantico earlier that day after a pretty successful case in which no one died before the team finished building their profile and the local police officers caught the unsub. All that was left to do was wade through the paperwork that came with closing a case, and the genius had always enjoyed desk duty anyway.

Spencer emerged from his pile of bureaucracy to find that he and Y/N were the only ones still left at the office. His watch read 9:14pm, and he noticed that his teammate was almost falling asleep on her desk. He looked over at Hotch’s office to see his light still on. He knew there was no convincing his boss to leave with them, so this was the opening he had been waiting for.

“Y/N,” He said quietly, not wanting to startle her, “I think we’re done here for tonight, don’t you?”

She looked up from her work, brow furrowing as if she had just realised where she was. Stifling a yawn, she nodded and stood up. Spencer looked away as she stretched, his stomach feeling funny again at the way her red blouse stretched over her chest while she moved.

“I think you’re right,” She conceded willingly as she began packing up her belongings, “I was a few minutes away from falling asleep at my desk. And then I’d have been stuck giving Hotch reports with drool all over them.”

The doctor laughed at the image her words created, “I’m sure he’d be thankful I stepped in then.”

Y/N nodded in agreement and the two chatted amicably as they made their way to the elevator.

He didn’t broach the subject he so desperately wanted to until they stepped out of the elevator into the underground carpark of Headquarters. He didn’t want to trap her into the conversation.

As she was turning around to say her farewells, the doctor spoke up, “You’re in love with me.”

Y/N gave him a curious, guarded look, “Yes. We’ve talked about this.”

“Yes,” Spencer repeated readily, unable to help his fingers from drumming against his thigh, “I… um, I just – “

“Spence, it’s fine,” She interrupted, clearly making assumptions about what he was trying to say, “You don’t need to feel guilty. I’m handling it.”

She turned to head to her car, and Spencer reached out to grab her wrist in panic. His hold was gentle and easily breakable, but Y/N made no attempt to pull herself away. She simply stared at him as if she’d seen a ghost.

He didn’t let go of her arm as he spoke quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth at lightning speed, “Don’t. Handle it, that is.”

When she didn’t react negatively and just stood, blinking up at him, he continued.

“Don’t stop loving me. Ever,” He closed his eyes, hating how overwhelming all his emotions were at that moment, “I… I really like you, Y/N. I can’t say it’s love _yet_ , but I can tell you that I think you’re one of the most wonderful people I know. And you’re entirely out of my league. I don’t understand how you could love me of all people, but I am definitely not complaining or asking you to stop anytime soon.”

Y/N still didn’t move away from him, but her words were measured and cold when she replied.

“You better not be fucking with me, Doc.”

He opened his eyes finally to see her eyes were wet, and even as her voice remained steady, a single tear slid down her cheek as she went on, “If you didn’t mean it, you need to take it back. Now.”

She waited for him tell her that she was right, that he had made a mistake or was pranking her. He wasn’t cruel enough to trick her like this, but a part of her wanted it to be a practical joke. He didn’t say a word.

“You can’t…” She trailed off before starting back up, “You don’t mean that. You only think you have feelings for me because you’re lonely and you know I love you. Your brain just tricked you, is all. It’s a mistake.”

Even as she said it, she knew it wasn’t true. Spencer’s brain didn’t make mistakes.

Once she had finished speaking, Spencer repositioned his hand so he could hold hers in his own. He stared unwaveringly into her eyes as he reaffirmed his confession, “I like you, Y/N. I had a crush on you before Maeve, and then after… I was grieving for what could have been for a long time. Too long. I completely missed what was right in front of me.”

Y/N noted how his voice held no specific inflection when he uttered Maeve’s name, and her shoulders unconsciously relaxed. She squeezed Spencer’s hand to acknowledge the weight of his words.

The young doctor summoned up the last of his courage, and blurted out, “Go on a date with me? Please.”

The female agent’s face lit up, and her hair bounced around her shoulders as threw back her head and laughed freely. Spencer didn’t realise until he heard it that she hadn’t made such a happy sound since well before her confession all those months ago. She had undoubtedly been hurt by his rejection, as much as he had tried to let her down gently. And, as with her love, it had been a deep and quiet emotion that she had never once slipped and revealed to him or the team. It was yet another side of her that could only be seen if you knew what to look for.

“I would love to go on a date with you,” She told him with a wide smile, unable to hide her surprised happiness, “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

Spencer grinned cheekily and admitted, “Somehow, after everything, I was still nervous you would say no.”

She shook her head playfully, “For a genius, you are incredibly unaware of the effect you have on people. The effect you have on _me_.”

And Spencer marvelled once again at how the woman was so unhesitant, unrepentant in expressing her feelings when she needed to be. She was so willing to be vulnerable with him, and that fact alone tugged at the doctor’s heartstrings.

“For the record,” He informed her in a low voice, “I could say almost the same thing about you.”

“Oh, I’m a genius, am I?” She asked breathlessly, her cheeks flushing as she became increasingly aware of just how close and _alone_ they were.

“You’re smarter than me when it comes to your heart. And my own for that matter,” He replied seriously, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand.

He slowly lifted his unoccupied hand up to Y/N’s face, tucking her hair behind her ear and cradling her jaw as gently as he possibly could. He had spent so long being ignorant of her love, being careless with it, and he wanted this moment to at least begin to make up for it. She leaned ever so slightly into his touch, and he watched as her cheeks warmed underneath his palm.

In a rare surge of confidence, he stated plainly, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

And he did just that. The kiss was a soft but firm affair, and she let him in easily. Kissing back with equal enthusiasm, she melted into him until Spencer couldn’t tell where he ended, and she began.

 _This is how it should be._ The epiphany formed as he somehow found a way to deepen the kiss even more but still maintain the relaxed pace he had set. His heart sang with every small sound she made, and they were both smiling into each other’s mouths as their lips repeatedly sought out the other's. Spencer promised himself then and there that he would never again make the mistake of overlooking Y/N or underestimating the strength of her love.

**Author's Note:**

> i actually kinda hate this, will edit when i'm not drowning in adult responsibilities.  
> i found spencer's internal voice rly difficult to write and it's probs a bit ooc bc i could not be arsed to look up fun, relevant facts he could spout 24/7. sry abt it x


End file.
